I know I have said everything I will ever need to say to you.
I pray that one day your dreams and reality will find peace.
I hope you understand that in order for me to find my own peace, I simply cannot have contact with you.
Perhaps someday but for now it is not possible.
I love you, I forgive you, and I am letting go.
She could not believe that after such an arduous journey that there he was, right in front of her, with tears of the happiest love streaming down his face and a gift of rosemary in his hand. As if his words were being spoken from a long lost dream, he said to her; “Sometimes rivers are made of light… and sometimes love is easier to find then someone thinks.”
“But my love…” She softly spoke, “it is just the setting autumn sun that is tricking the river into thinking it is made of light”. The world once dark, revealed her words to be the truth, the river was the same clear-blue river it had always been; the flow endless, complicated, and still beautiful.
Yet he did not care about the truth in the words that she spoke for he had his own intentions. “Stand up my love,” he said to her, for she was still sitting, after all of this time, by the edge of the river. “We can journey to the village together… it is only back the way we came.”
When she did not obey he said it her again and again and again… yet each time she said nothing… and he did not see the tears that streamed down her face which she did not reveal to him. For she knew then, that was a journey she would never make again, the wounds left on her body and mind were too deep.
Finally she gathered the courage to speak, “I can not my love… it has been too much already.” He fell to his knees by her side, finally aware of what her silence and tears had meant all of that time, for her torn dress had not a speck of white left on it, as it had been fully stained by the injury of her lonesome journey.
His voice shaking he apologised “I am so sorry my love… this is all my fault. If only I had realised where you were sooner…”
“I forgive you my love… now help me to let go…” in her hands was the sword she had used to cut through the dark forest, he did not stop to question her delirium, and without hesitation he took the blade and plunged it in deep. She felt him tearing her heart to shreds, but she did not care anymore, and he did not stop until the blade was firmly into the ground beneath her. “Kiss me hard before you go…” she whispered to him, her eyes filled with the tears.
And he tried for he loved her so, but though he had the strength to kill her, he was not strong enough even to kiss her. Instead he left only a faint impression on her lips while he sobbed, “if I do that I’ll never be able to leave.”
With her final breath she gasped, “I love you”. His own pain was too great, he did not say it back to her, not even to comfort her in those final moments. Her life and their love faded as the day faded, soon there was darkness, and nothing but a shell to hold onto. He picked up what was left of her and threw it into the river… for he believed that was what she wanted. The river was not gentle and tore her body apart but he did not see for he had already turned his back.
He made the long journey back to the village alone yet again, though the dark forest, the rosemary fields, past the apple tree… and it was there that he lived his entire life. Though it was a long life that seemed full to the world around him, inside himself was a place where he was always alone, and that lonesomeness simply could not be cured by any fleeting love because he had no love for himself.
One day as an old man near death he made his way down a path that over the years had been worn into the soil by him and the directions he knew so well. Footstep after footstep was taken with purpose. Over the clear-blue river, and through the thick green trees until at last, he was in the field. Atop the high hill covered with the autumn grass, he waited for death, beneath the shade of the apple tree. One last look was all he could take.
With a renewed determination he had not felt since he was a young man, he stood up and ran back, with every ounce of strength left within him. The sun was still falling, and he had now known that tonight would be spent alone again. He walked down the hill and through the field, feeling the grass brush against his boots and the setting sun warming his back. The scent of rosemary filled his lungs.
He found himself reaching the edge of the forest, the trees looked far more sinister in this direction. He didn’t care, he started to make his way through them. As he walked down the winding paths of the forest something caught his eye. He knelt down and pulled it free, the color was burgundy and white, but the smell was of vanilla. He could see that he was almost out of the forest by now, and so he ran forward with renewed strength and hope. Past the thick trees he could see the river alight with the dying rays of the falling sun.
He watched the setting sun cast golden rays onto the place where there was now a field of beautiful white flowers, they had been growing for all of those years in that place where he had split the blood of love of his life, out of what seemed like necessity, when he was young, and inexperienced. He now was old and with experience could see the truth, he had not saved the love of his life because he hated himself… simply for what a long and hard journey would have done to any young innocent like her.
Now he was an old man who had lived a lonely and empty life, for he had killed his chance to live a full and happy life, simply because of banal youthful foolishness and an anomalistic hatred for himself. He became despondent because of that realisation, weakened greatly because of it, he fell to his knees… but at that moment he suddenly found himself a young man again. Shocked, he paused, and looked to his side. A beautiful woman wearing a white dress was sitting there, her face seemed illuminated by an inner light that he could not describe, for it was something he had not experienced before.
In desperation and longing he reached for her, the love of his life after all of that time, but there was nothing to hold on to anymore… for she had died long ago waiting for him. What was left were only her remains, already torn apart by the river, which crumbled to dust in his hands. The repugnance of his actions had finally become indisputable after all of this time. He knew this was just the vision of a dying man, for she was dead, and he had killed her.
Tears streamed down his face in that spot they had once, but these were not the tears of a happiest love, these were the tears of a deepest and darkest regret… and he was afraid of this pain for he had tried to escape it his entire life and now at the end he had no choice but to face the truth of what had happened.
A gentle voice behind him responded to his cries, “Do not be afraid my love for your pain will soon be over…” all at once he knew the truth and when he looked across the river, to the top of the hill, there under the apple tree, was an old mans body, lying limp and lifeless.
The vision was not over, for he then looked to her apparition, floating above him… she was full of light, her dress white, young and beautiful as she had been. “I have always been waiting by the river, so that when you died I could bring you with me, for I have always loved you.”
“I love you.” he finally said… for now he understood that a lifetime of separation and even death could never have kept them apart… for they were going to be reunited as it was always meant to be. She smiled at him brightly, taking his ghostly hands in her own, happy to see that he was finally the man she always known that he had been, deepest inside himself, past the place where he lived all alone. Now their enduring spirits held onto each other floating above the flower filled field.
The light that was within her began to fill the space between them, suddenly it was within him too, though it had always been there, for she had been able to see it even in the darkest of times. The light grew and grew and grew, until it was not just in them, but all around them, fully illuminating that fated landscape. All the loneliness… all of the pain… all of the regret… was banished instantaneously.
Within that infinite expanse of beautiful light… was a place that had always been there waiting for them… a place that was filled with happiness, love, and finally… peace.
I put you in a box today…
I put you far, far, away.
Pictures old and new,
from our wedding day and when you were two.
The ring and chain I wore around my neck,
the leger from our honeymoon with the check.
A bottle filled with the scent I once caressed,
wrapped up in that wedding dress.
Cards and letters from all those years,
filled me up with distressing tears.
I wish I did not love you so,
but somehow I am glad you go.
I put you in a box today…
I put you far, far, away.
Turning out the lights.
This blog is going dark. I still have some scheduled posts on dates that are important or speak to me for whatever reason, but don’t be fooled, mena404 isn’t here anymore. I feel really bad my followers, there are hundreds of you, and some who I have gotten really close to… we have helped each other through a lot and I will always value that. Thank you… and I do feel like I do owe you an explanation so you are going to get one… sorry if it feels like a story but I am a writer after all.
I perused my husband because I had this feeling deep inside of myself that we were fated to be together no matter what. I knew that there was darkness inside of him but I pushed that feeling aside as I fell into his open arms. I stayed with him for all of these years despite everything he inflicted onto my body, mind, and soul… because I do love him and I always will love him. I felt obligated to make it work no matter what because marriage is commitment… something that should be forever… but I can see now I was never obligated to stay because he has never been committed to me. I am filled with a lot of self-blame, I have chosen to ignore my intuition in the past, and it did not end well for me. I need to learn to trust myself because that intuition has always been right.
I have been in so much emotional pain that it has been causing violent physical symptoms as well… flashbacks where I feel like I am in living in a past moment, panic attacks brought on by seemingly random triggers, and pain in places where there is no injury anymore. I do define my emotions in fluid terms because they are very much like waves… but usually those waves are filled with feelings that are detrimental instead of healing. I am not healthy right now and I need to focus on getting healthy.
I know that everything has happened the way that it should have and he has even admitted that we were meant to be together. I think we just interpreted the universes lesson for us incorrectly at the time. What we saw as fated eternal love was really just a fated eternal lesson… one that I will not ignore because I see the universe trying to help me grow so I can be better. I know that over time and with experience that it will perhaps evolve, but for now I think that it is this: there are broken people in the world who are so broken they are compelled, intentionally or unintentionally, to break other people… and though these are people who we must care about and love very much, we must also stay far away from them, no matter how much we love them or care for them or want them fixed, because broken people must fix themselves.
I have been mena404 since I was thirteen. Everyone always thinks it is so clever but really it was an accident that I thought was clever too. I think about that handle and what it really means… an error message… something not found. I’m not an error and I am not something that will never be found. This accident simply does not apply… and now I think that perhaps it ever has. I need a new handle… a new blog… a new life.
There are still so many lessons I have to learn but I’m going to start with knowing I’m important and going off to find myself.
Wish me luck.